Thursday, March 26, 2009

If you fly away tonight...

"I wanna tell you that I love you...."

That is what I said minutes before he breathed his last breathe.... I followed with....

"I will see you in Heaven daddy, I know you'll be there waiting..."

Then I kissed his forehead.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

My dad died way too soon in life for me. I wasn't ready. His body might have been, heck, even God might have been. But I wasn't. I was pregnant with his 4th grandchild, and he'd barely gotten to see his others. I was a moron and moved out of state and he missed precious months with Seth and Joshua.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"...If you fly away tonight, I wanna tell you that I'm sorry,
That I never told you, when we were face to face..."
I blamed myself for my dad's drinking once I hit about 16. Althought he was a stellar dad to me... everyone knew he drank alot. Once I became pregnant at the tender age of 16, him only 41, and 2 months later married, I wasn't a bit surprised that the drinking increased. I knew I was at fault.. If only I had been a better daughter, not gotten myself involved in such a frowned upon scandal.
I still often think this some days.... what would have happened had I been the daughter I should have been? Would he have missed out on the joy grandchildren brought to his heart?
Then... after he had gone to rehab and was apparently doing well... I up and move away? What the hell was I thinking? He had a great relationship with Seth, then 2 and Joshua, 1. But nooo, I followed my ex's advice and moved us 14 hours away to Texas. The heartbreak I know my dad felt is unthinkable. Saying goodbye to him in person the day after Thanksgiving was hard. My dad hadn't seen me cry in years, and I wasn't about to show him now. He left my house before he was forced to watch us leave in the moving truck.
That was the last time I saw my dad.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"...Your lying there in this hospital bed
Wont you open your eyes
And lets talk once again.

If you fly away tonight,
I wanna tell you that I love you.
I hope that you can hear me, I hope that you can feel me.

Well I've been here all night
And Im watching you
Breathe in and Breathe out
Is it really you or just a machine
Thats giving you life and
Making it seem
That there could be hope......"

When I arrived at the hospital (thanks to God providing me with an insanely cheap ticket) I studied all the monitors. Seemed to me he was doing just fine... all the numbers looked normal or so the machines made it seem. After a shocking explanation from the Dr...... he was brain dead. Kept alive only by the medicine and machines. Everytime his blood pressure crept or his heartrate sped up I thought he was coming back. He wasn't.... he was already on his way up...
I felt as though we were giving up... could he really hear us and was begging us not to let him go? Would he bounce back and become the husband, grandfather he truly wanted to be? I recited Psalm 118:17 over and over to him. 'Thou shall not die and go on and delcare the works of the Lord"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --

I miss my dad. He was only 44 when he left this earth only to find divine healing. I struggle with understanding his sickness but I don't blame him one bit. He was my father, he cheered for me at softball games, he furnished and painted my life-size playhouse, he cheated as he raced me to the back fence.... I never lacked of his love or attention.

I remember him on this day and I thank God that I know I will see my dad once again in a place where no sorrow, sickness or sense of time exsists..... Heaven.

Till then..... I love you.

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