Thursday, March 26, 2009

If you fly away tonight...

"I wanna tell you that I love you...."

That is what I said minutes before he breathed his last breathe.... I followed with....

"I will see you in Heaven daddy, I know you'll be there waiting..."

Then I kissed his forehead.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

My dad died way too soon in life for me. I wasn't ready. His body might have been, heck, even God might have been. But I wasn't. I was pregnant with his 4th grandchild, and he'd barely gotten to see his others. I was a moron and moved out of state and he missed precious months with Seth and Joshua.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"...If you fly away tonight, I wanna tell you that I'm sorry,
That I never told you, when we were face to face..."
I blamed myself for my dad's drinking once I hit about 16. Althought he was a stellar dad to me... everyone knew he drank alot. Once I became pregnant at the tender age of 16, him only 41, and 2 months later married, I wasn't a bit surprised that the drinking increased. I knew I was at fault.. If only I had been a better daughter, not gotten myself involved in such a frowned upon scandal.
I still often think this some days.... what would have happened had I been the daughter I should have been? Would he have missed out on the joy grandchildren brought to his heart?
Then... after he had gone to rehab and was apparently doing well... I up and move away? What the hell was I thinking? He had a great relationship with Seth, then 2 and Joshua, 1. But nooo, I followed my ex's advice and moved us 14 hours away to Texas. The heartbreak I know my dad felt is unthinkable. Saying goodbye to him in person the day after Thanksgiving was hard. My dad hadn't seen me cry in years, and I wasn't about to show him now. He left my house before he was forced to watch us leave in the moving truck.
That was the last time I saw my dad.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"...Your lying there in this hospital bed
Wont you open your eyes
And lets talk once again.

If you fly away tonight,
I wanna tell you that I love you.
I hope that you can hear me, I hope that you can feel me.

Well I've been here all night
And Im watching you
Breathe in and Breathe out
Is it really you or just a machine
Thats giving you life and
Making it seem
That there could be hope......"

When I arrived at the hospital (thanks to God providing me with an insanely cheap ticket) I studied all the monitors. Seemed to me he was doing just fine... all the numbers looked normal or so the machines made it seem. After a shocking explanation from the Dr...... he was brain dead. Kept alive only by the medicine and machines. Everytime his blood pressure crept or his heartrate sped up I thought he was coming back. He wasn't.... he was already on his way up...
I felt as though we were giving up... could he really hear us and was begging us not to let him go? Would he bounce back and become the husband, grandfather he truly wanted to be? I recited Psalm 118:17 over and over to him. 'Thou shall not die and go on and delcare the works of the Lord"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - --

I miss my dad. He was only 44 when he left this earth only to find divine healing. I struggle with understanding his sickness but I don't blame him one bit. He was my father, he cheered for me at softball games, he furnished and painted my life-size playhouse, he cheated as he raced me to the back fence.... I never lacked of his love or attention.

I remember him on this day and I thank God that I know I will see my dad once again in a place where no sorrow, sickness or sense of time exsists..... Heaven.

Till then..... I love you.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Essay of Love contest

My step-father Mike entered an essay contest for Valentine's Day (at my urging). It's for a hotel here, an extravagant hotel that has themed rooms, jacuzzis and an air of romance. They (the owners) believe very much that couples need a place to escape and be romantic together.
He was lucky enough to get into the Top 5. The winner of this 'love' essay contest gets a free night in any room and a dinner for 2. Please read his entry below and if you would, vote for him at this link - ' Band of Love'

Here is his entry: (long but worth it)

Band of Love

Georgia slipped the band of gold around my finger, looked into my eyes and completed her vows. We were husband and wife.A week later, I sat in my chair, mindlessly watching television. I twirled the unfamiliar band of gold circling my ring finger. It was the first piece of jewelry I'd ever worn. It made me feel different.My life changed. I no longer thought of "me". I thought of "us". I had a wife. The band of gold proved it. From that day forward, people saw it and knew I was committed to another. It became a part of me. Whenever I sat idle, my right hand would reach to play with it. Other times, my left thumb would polish it - savoring the symbol of love.******************"Michael?" Georgia asked?I looked across our dining room table at her. Her brown eyes sparkled."What, Hun?""I'm pregnant." She smiled."You are? Are you sure?" I rose from my chair."Do you feel OK? Do you need anything?"I had an expectant mother to take care of."The doctor confirmed it today. And yes, I am OK. Now sit and finish your dinner.""But?" I stammered. "This calls for a toast. I'll get that bottle of champagne."I rushed from the table."Michael!" she reached for my hand. She rested her other hand on her stomach."I can't. The baby! Remember?"I stared at her and frowned. "Why."I paused. "Oh right! The baby! I forgot – no drinking.""Relax. I'm OK. Sit and finish your dinner."We sat and ate. Afterward, I reached across the table and held her left hand in mine. I looked into those sparkling brown eyes."Thank you, Hun. Thank you for wanting to be the mother of our children."I looked down at the table where I still held her hand. The flickering candle reflected off our bands of gold."I love you, future Mama."I lifted her hand and kissed her ring.******************"It hurts so bad!" Georgia screamed."Pant!" I screamed back. "Pant! Puff, puff, puff, pufffff!""Stop blowing in my face!" She yelled at me.Another contraction ripped through her body."Mrs. Smith!" the doctor said. "I need one more big push.""You can do it, Hun!"I held her hand, or rather; she gripped mine in a vice. I saw our hands. My fingers were white from the lack of circulation.The lights above the table reflected off our rings.******************"Look at her eyes, Michael! She's so alert." Georgia was in the recovery room. She cradled our little Vanessa in her left arm. I stroked Georgia's hair.My ring twinkled as her hair polished it."She's beautiful, Hun. Thank you."She looked up at me. "That wasn't so bad. I could do it again?"Tears streamed down my cheeks. "Honey, you mean you would go through this again? You had so much pain!""I want our dream of a girl and a boy."Her hand rested on the blankets warming our new daughter - the gold of her band accented by the white cloth.******************"Mr. Smith, meet your new son."The nurse smiled and placed him in my arms."Hi, Justin!" He cried and waved his tiny arms in response. I placed our new son in Georgia's arms."Thank you! Thank you so much!" I bent and kissed her.My left hand stroked her cheek. The gold band sparkled with her perspiration."I love you."******************We sat across the table from each other. A candle burned between us. Hushed voices from other tables filtered through my thoughts. I looked into those brown eyes, as I so often did."Happy anniversary, Georgia.""Happy anniversary, Michael.""Ten years! Can you believe it?""I hope the kids are OK.""Hun, they're fine. This is our night."I reached for her hand and held it in mine. Like the bands in a tree trunk, our skin had begun to show the wrinkles of life. The fire of the candle reflected off our rings, reminding me of a night long ago, when she smiled and said, "I'm pregnant."******************I sat on our sofa playing with my ring. I remembered forgetting to put it on after Georgia cleaned it one day. At work, I kept reaching for it with my thumb. I felt empty without it. I looked at Georgia's picture on the TV stand. I was alone. Our children were in their rooms, grieving in their own way. Georgia's urn rested on the credenza in the dining room. We'd brought her home from the service that afternoon. Her ring rested in my left palm. I had a decision to make."When do I take mine off?" I asked no one.I was afraid. If I took it off, would it mean the love we shared was gone? The band of gold stayed on my finger. When my thumb touched it, my thoughts drifted to past times and not to the future and the life we planned."When do I take it off?" I asked myself again.It was with me from the day we'd married more than nineteen years earlier. It'd been on my finger when I changed my children's diapers. When we took drives, my hand held the steering wheel. The ring reflected the sunshine. The day she took her last breath, I held her hand and the ring reflected the machines that had kept her alive. I reached behind my neck and undid the clasp of the gold chain.She'd given it to me on our first Christmas together.I threaded her ring onto it and started to put it back around my neck. I paused and put it down. The fingers of my right hand reached for my ring a final time. I twirled it around like old times and then slipped it off. I held it to the light. It was scratched and dented from the rigors of living. It joined Georgia's ring on the chain. My hand felt empty without its comforting weight, but the combined rings hanging around my neck soothed me - a reminder of our years together.******************Almost a year later, I stood with Ginny in a New York City court house. She took my hand and placed a new band of gold around my finger.The Justice of the Peace smiled."I pronounce you man and wife. Michael, you may now kiss the bride."Ginny slipped into my arms. Our lips met. I hugged her to me. On her shoulder, I saw my hand and the ring on my finger - a band of love.******************Ginny and I sat on our deck reading. I held my book in my right hand. My left hand rested on my lap. A sparkle caused me to blink. I looked down. The new band reflected the sun. Ginny looked up at me, "I love you.""Love you more.""Love you too."We played our game. She turned back to her book. I stared at my ring again. It meant more than marriage. Like life, it had a beginning and an end. I started one journey with Georgia."Until death do we part." we repeated - a beginning and an end.We followed the band of gold to her end."Gin?" She looked up from her book. "Yes?""I need to do something." She looked puzzled."What?" I reached up, unclasped my chain, and removed the two rings."Michael, what are you doing?""It's time to let go, Gin.""But they mean so much to you.""Yes they do, but it is time to move forward. It's like starting a new year. I need to let go of the old and enjoy the new. "She stood, walked over and sat in my lap. She wrapped her arms around me."I understand."I held up my left hand. "Look!"She stared at my hand. "What?""See how the sun reflects off it? I've been blessed to have you in my life. I have a new band of love, a new life, a new beginning, a new year and you. It's time to move forward with you."

*If this story touched you, please take just a second and email and in the subject put Essay Contest and in the text please put Band of Love.


Monday, March 16, 2009


Nathan and I watched the new movie Fireproof with Kirk Cameron last night. It's about a husband and wife who decide after 7 years to get divorced. The husband's father asks him to try 1 last thing that really helped him with his own marriage. It is a notebook and it lasts 40 days.

It is a really, really good movie! I would advise any couple, Christian or not to watch this movie together. Marriages are hard, no one wise has said otherwise. I believe that God laid out lots of ways in the Bible for it to be successful. But what happens when you don't read the Bible? Or if you don't even know God? How will you succeed in a life made by Him? I believe that all of us can use a little relationship help every so often and I think this movie was inspired by the One who wants that for us. What do you have to lose by watching it? 2 hours? Trust me... you won't regret it, neither will your spouse!

Also, Facing the Giants is wonderful too! Made by the same people and definitely good for the whole family to watch together. It talks about trusting God even when things aren't going well, especially when things are tough. Our sons watched this with us and it felt good knowing they were being influenced with positive media. We will be buying both DVD's.

If you watch either of them, let me know what you thought.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Great hubby

My very awesome hubby is in the kitchen cooking. Most of you should know that is rare, like very rare. His extent of cooking is taking us out to Applebee's or grilling steaks.
But I am very thankful, because my mouth hurts and I am tired. The dentist was very gentle with me today and I had almost no pain. Between my mom and hubby, I have sat on the couch and been waited on. It has been very nice and a night to relax is a huge gift.
Nathan is standing just a few feet away, patiently listening to me as I 'help' him make Hamburger Helper. Although I won't be eating it, knowing that my boys will be fed and happy is stress I don't have to feel.
My husband is awesome, I'm going to write about him more often.